Confused (and rightfully so)

The conversation went something like this:

Cute Jordanian Taxi Driver: You are the second Malaysian I have met here (in broken, heavily accented English)

Me: Oh really? Does he look like me? (in an effort to keep a conversation)

CJTD: Your eyes.

Me: Huh? (Confused)

CJTD: I like your eyes...

Me: Huh... (totally confused by now)

CJTD: I may be like your eyes most...

Me: What the...

My colleague: (After clarifying with the driver in Arabic) Oh, he thought you asked him if he likes you!

Me: Oh...

CJTD: Your eyes are beautiful.

Me: (Mute)

Damn! :)

Thoughts

It's amazing what you think of when you are all alone in a foreign place. You think about the things that you have never thought of for the longest time. (what do psychologists say about using the third person again? hmmm...) I (well, now I am switching to the first person... hehe) thought of my late sister who passed away 10 years ago. I thought of my mother, who had a stroke exactly two weeks after my sister died. I thought of friends whom I have lost along the way, intentionally or unintentionally. I thought of my first. I thought of the cruelest partner I ever had (it's his birthday today). I thought of all the things that used to get me all sad and angry. And yet, when I think about them now, they are just thoughts, with no judgments attached. Like watching a documentary of something unrelated to you. Clinical. If only that could be the feeling when you were going through the events. And I switched to the third person again.

3 weeks of sand, sand, shopping

Yes, it has been 3 weeks since I landed in this land of sand. And I am still not used to it. To the landscape, to the culture, to the people, to the food, to the everything. I am still dazed. And daze is not good when you are doing consulting. You need clear mind for that. It feels as if there is a fine layer of sand (well, what else?) over my brain. Can't think clearly. It's like walking in a shroud of something. What the hell is going on? This place is full of paradox. Pockets of luxury - I feel as if I am in Palm Springs, or Melbourne in some areas; and the rest of it barren land..well, sand..whatever. Impossibly rich people - the number of X5s and Cayennes and Ferraris on the road, amazing; and oppressively poor migrant labourers - they look so cold and miserable and beaten, with thin layer of cotton shirt on in this 15-degree weather. It is strong in its Islamic culture, yet at the same time their practices are not. To say the least. There is nothing to do, so I stare at the sand, and I shop. In case you wondering, I am in Kuwait. And I have to be here for another 3 very long weeks.

I miss her

I visited Tok's grave today. For the first time since she died, more than two years ago. I could not bring myself to go all this while. I missed her funeral by half an hour, and I just could not understand the decision that my uncle took to not wait for me, even when I was just a half hour away. I stayed with her since I was an infant, and they would not even wait for that long. It hurts me till these days. So I just could not go to the grave. But this morning I went, and I cried. I cried with silent tears rolling down my cheeks. I just cried and cried. But I did not feel that I have released the grief within me, like what people said crying would do. No, none of that happened. The grief is still there, deep down there somewhere. And I don't think it will go away anytime soon.

You suppose

You suppose you are the trouble
But you are the cure
You suppose that you are the lock on the door
But you are the key that opens it
It's too bad that you want to be someone else
You don't see your own face, your own beauty
Yet, no face is more beautiful than yours.

Rumi

Anger management

Am I supposed to get angry at being stood up, or am I supposed to just take it as another thing that happens and save my heart in the process? Anger is an emotion that triggers complex reactions in the body, physically and mentally. And usually they are not positive ones. I will not elaborate on the cause, but I am trying to intellectualise the event (or I guess a non-event in this case I suppose). It happens at the most unexpected of times. I just hope there is a reason that justifies it. Oh well, let me be positive this time. At other times I might prefer to raise my heart beat rate. Thanks to someone, you would know who you are :), for saving my heart from stress this time.

Another tribute

My sister's cat died last night. Not very bright, that one (the cat, not my sister). Had been so since birth. But my sister loves (she still does, even after his death, so I cannot use "loved") him to death, literally. He had been in major accidents (for a cat at least) 5 times. Hit by a van. And then he ran into a reversing car. I can't remember what else. The last one, he just came home one early morning, two weeks ago, dragging himself in, his rear legs no longer functioning, and parked himself under the lemon tree near the fence - couldn't move further anymore. We suspect that he was hit by something or another again. My dad took him to the vet but not much could be done. Both my mum and sister refused to even consider the easy way out. So my sister would everyday feed him with milk as he no longer wanted to eat anything. She would bathe him and wrap him in blankets. She would spray mosquito repellant around him before she went to bed. His mother would come and sit around and lick him all over. Yesterday he would no longer respond to people calling him. And last night he passed away, wrapped in the blanket that my sister put around him. And everyone shed tears. Including me, as I can still recall his eyes looking up at me when I visited last weekend - the eyes had no more glow. I knew he was going, but I am still sad. He was one cat that never raised anyone's blood pressure. He was a simple-minded cat. And he touched everyone's heart.

Tek, this is my tribute to you. Goodbye Tek. I am very sure you are in cat heaven by now, smiling down at us.

Me, a mop

That's how I have been feeling of late. I have been cleaning other people's mess. Too often lately. What was supposed to be a jump-in-improve-it-jump-out assignment is now turning into a go-improve-it-more situation. I am stuck there. All because I did a good job, apparently. And because quote the client likes you and she is very comfortable with you unquote. So I guess if I were a real mop, I would have been one of those super power mop like the sell on those shopping channels on tv. My colleague said that I am too expensive to be a mop, so I guess I should then become the four thousand ringgit vacuum cleaner I just borrowed from Yat last weekend. The one that uses water filtration instead of the normal bag. That one did a really good job on my Persian - half a carpet of vacuuming and the water turned entirely black! Yikes. I digressed. Back to me, the mop. So I guess doing too good a job is also not good. Take my advice, do mess up once in a while. :(

Prediction

My horoscope for today, how true:

There is a growing fog of pessimism hovering over you today, so you had better take out your optimism umbrella and shield yourself from the downpour! In order to see the sunnier side of things, you need to realize that the things you've been working on are much farther down the road of progress than you realize. Before doing anything too rash, wait this day out -- soon you'll see more encouraging signs. Hold on and just keep thinking positively.

Vanity with limits

Is there such a thing as vanity with limits? Do the two words go together? I, for one, am perplexed by this concept. And by my own doing actually, which has triggered this thought of whether this concept is feasible. I just signed up for this facial treatment that is a power-packed treatment that delivers supposedly a pure doseage of vitamin C and AHA to my face and it is supposed to reduce the wrinkles and the sagging skin. Trying to defy my age. The facial lady adeptly used key phrases that she knew would throw me into fits of insecurity that will last half of my lifetime – “tired”, “inconsistent skin tone”, “bags under the eyes”… And of course I fell for it, and signed up for a package, for an amount of money that will actually cause more wrinkles when I get the credit card bill. But that wasn’t my point. My point is that I will try as hard as possible to defy age with all these treatments, but I am totally against going under the blade, or injecting anything into my body for the purpose of maintaining my looks. Hence my question on whether there is such a thing as vanity with limits. Not that I am scared of the knife or the needles, or the cost – because if you calculate how much I have spent on trying (key word – trying) to maintain my skin to look young, I could probably go under the knife a few times. So, is there such a concept?

I know I sound like I should be in the Bergdof Blondes novel by now. There goes my reputation.

A tie that binds

The apartment's construction is completed. I received the letter informing me of that yesterday. The apartment with two names on the title deed. The apartment that took me a long while, a very long while, to agree to purchase. Not because I do not like it. But because of the commitment of buying a property together with someone. The implications that come with it. The what ifs. It's finally ready. And I still don't know whether I can face the implications when they come. I just hope they don't come. I did it all because of you. For you.

The Dysfunctional Section of a Hallmark Store

Why can't I ever find them on the shelves? :)

Card 1
I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life…
(Inside card) -I've changed my mind.

Card 2
I must admit, you brought religion into my life….
(Inside card) -I never believed in Hell until I met you.

Card 3
As the days go by, I think how lucky I am….
(Inside card) -That you're not here to ruin it for me.

Card 4
Congratulations on your wedding day!…
(Inside card) -Too bad no one likes your husband.

Card 5
Someday I hope to marry…
(Inside card) -Someone other than you.

Card 6
Happy Birthday! You look great for your age….
(Inside card) -Almost lifelike!

Card 7
When we were together, you said you'd die for me…
(Inside card) -Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

Card 8
We've been friends for a very long time…
(Inside card) -What do you say we stop?

Card 9
I'm so miserable without you…
(Inside card) -It's almost like you're still here.

Card 10
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy….
(Inside card) -Did you ever find out who the father was?

Card 11
You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket…
(Inside card) -I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

Card 12
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Arkansas, Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia .)

Card 13
Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder…
(Inside card) -What was I thinking?

Courtesy of Chris F.

Philosophy made simple part 2

The thing about my philosopher-turned-shoppaholic friend is that she was so easy to take care of during her visit. Between me and another good friend, the 100-spoken-word-per-minute-amazing-mother-of-3, we cracked our heads to come up an itinerary that will, in our concept paper, give a finely balanced journey of the artistic, cultured, philosophical (that word keeps creeping up), randy, metropolitan, rural, domestic, familial, single-life experience to appeal to our friend, well-known to be someone who is interested in all facets of everything she runs into. In other words, we crammed a thousand and one things into her 6-day stay. We were so nervous that she would not be able to experience enough of the right things. She, the guru of philosophy at a renowned institution who had lived her life in many places exotic and barren, will need a lot of interesting things to stimulate her wandering mind. Or so we thought. When she did arrive, the things that impressed her most were the simple things that we had taken for granted. See my previous story (I can’t help repeating myself here :)). So all the frustration that my 100-word friend went through for not being able to book tickets to the philharmonic orchestra (they were on their summer break), the theatre (also on summer break), and me for not being able to come up with anything artistic apart from the IAMM (see http://www.iamm.org.my/) evaporated literally. The trip turned out to be one of eating, shopping, more eating, more shopping, oh, fashion show too, and errr….fridge magnets. I never realized that fridge magnets come in so many different shapes. We miss you. :D

Philosophy made simple

The philosopher-turned-shoppaholic good friend of many many years's visit deserve more than a mention here, although that has been more than a month ago. It's the thought of recording her reactions to her first ever visit to this side of the world that has shaken me out of my silence from these pages. What's amazing is not so much the fact that she finds everything amazing and different, but it is the fact that she managed to inject that renewed vigour into old me to look at things from a different angle completely. It invigorated my tired soul to realise the simple pleasures that I have managed to drop off my existence in my quest for I don't quite know what. Like the simple pleasures of getting amazed by the coconut trees. Or the rubber plantations. Or mosques. And of course, the fridge magnets. What really did amaze me was the ability of her luggage to balloon up to 41 kilos at the end of the trip. Go girl!

What do I want?

What do you say to people who come up to you and tell you that you deserve better than what you have and that you should strive to get something better? All when you feel that you are okay with what you have, in fact you are even happy with what you have! Do people actually know what you want? Or are they assuming that what they have (or what they say you should have) is the thing that is best for you? They mean well, I am sure they do, but I think they err in thinking that they know what you want. Or who you are in the first place. I have made that same mistake one time too many, freely gabbing my advice away to people, sometimes without even being asked, and I am learning not to do that. Who knows what ticks deep down in my heart? Who knows what I want for myself? Who knows what past have I got that has shaped me into what I am, or what I am not? Who knows that the thing that people say is not good for me, that I deserve better, is what it seems to be? The point is, I don't even know what I want at times. Make that a lot ot times. And I am still trying to find out.

Back Again

I hate it when I can't seem to find the right words to put on this page even though I have many thoughts that I want to put down. I know I have disappointed a couple of readers (wow, it feels good to say that - like I have many! :) ) who have been wondering whether this blog is dead. It isn't, it's just that my writing mood is not so alive. It has been 4 months since the last entry. And nothing significant has happened in the last 4 months I guess. No, I shouldn't say that. Many things of significance happened, but I couldn't put the thoughts down. May be I was burying my emotions - didn't want to think too much lest I become the old emotional me. A dear friend's father passed away, and through the period before the death, and after too, I too was affected. I felt his sadness, the pain of not being able to more than just to comfort his father. I felt his hollowness when the inevitable happened. I felt his grief. I don't know whether he saw it in my voice (as our contacts have been limited by phone calls) but I grieved too. It reminded me of the frustration, pain and grief I felt when I was losing my grandma and my sister. and I kept telling him that only time will heal and what will be left behind are the sweet memories of the departed. A cliche I know, but I went through it not once but twice and it really was like that. I guess God equipped us with that ability to sift and retain only the good memories. I saw 3 deaths of family members of people around me in the span of 3 days a couple of months ago, his dad's included. I saw the pain in each family. I am reminded of what I went through. And of how fragile I am. My only wish when I go is that I go peacefully, and I don't inconvenient others I leave behind. And that I will be forgiven for my errs.

The whole damn week has been quite pleasant, with me just coming back from vacation etc., only to be spoiled tonight by my income tax calculation. Ugh... If my calculation is correct, I will have to fork out another half of my monthly gross salary to pay them. Even after the huge monthly deductions they have been making. Leeches. Ugh!

It is very scary when you start feeling that your life is not yours to control, that you are just trying to catch up with where it is going and you are not quite getting the grasp. That is how I am feeling at the moment. So many things happening, and I am not at the helm to control. Nothing big, just little things that just mount up to this big confusing jumble. I am supposed to feel excited to go away this weekend, to a place that I have always feel excited going. Yet all I feel is that. Too many things to take care of, too many things not yet done. Too uptight. Yes, I have not been sleeping well, waking up at 4 in the morning, thinking of things to be done. What is happening? Not quite sure myself. Am I out of my environment, out of my depth? Am I just worrying too much, like always? Are there really too many things happening? God knows.

Three and a half months of silence. My silence now spans over longer periods. Perhaps the novelty of blogging is wearing off. Perhaps I do not have much that I want to share. Perhaps I just don't have anything that I want to say. Perhaps there is nothing happening in my life that is worth sharing. Perhaps I am numb. I am not sure myself. Perhaps it is all of the above. One thing for sure is that I am going through a plateau. Nothing excites. Nothing saddens. Nothing touches my heart. I do not care too much these days. I do not feel too much. Which has always been my problem - I do everything with too much feeling. Which has a way of hurting me later. Because I expect too much in return. Which is a good way to kill my heart. So then perhaps being numb is good. Not feeling is good. It protects. It provides the hard shell that I am missing. Now I am being a real Cancerian. Soft inside, with a hard shell outside. May be soon I will be impenetrable. I will become a different person. And nothing will hurt anymore.

Banking on My Bank

Went to the bank, and banks aren't really on the top of my list of favourite places to visit, yesterday to renew the roadtax for my car. I know I don't have to go there physically to do it, but I went because:

1. The stupid branch closed down, and I only found out because my cheques were taking so long to clear when I mailed them to the address, and the receipts kept coming from a differnt branch. So clever me put two and two together and figured out that they might have moved. Only to be confirmed when I called them. They never informed me, can you believe it? I also wanted to find out if my car grant was moved to the new branch.

2. I kept getting this stupid reminder letter that said that I am one month behind in my payment and my record showed otherwise. So I needed to confirm that as well.

So the conclusion is: the bank is stupid. Of course it is stupid, that's why it had changed name three times since I had taken my car loan with them. Phiiish.

Anyways, back to the stupid visit. I had to take the day off just to do that because the new branch is located in some god-forsaken place that I had never been. And of course it turned out that it really was in a god-forsaken place, with no parking. Ended up parking my car in the wet market car park a kilometre away (and paying three ringgits for it).

And the bank had no air-conditioning on because there was a small fire three days before and they still could not fix the ac. (To which I asked the girl, would my records be burned too if the fire was a little bigger, and she replied 'you wish' :P ). So there I was sweating and almost had a headache when I was finally waited upon (geez, what a nice term I used). And the guy was very nice, and he actually filled up all the forms for me, and the only thing I had to do was just sign the cheque (I was making payments too). And... he asked me out to lunch!!!!

I attribute that to the lack of air-conditioning. :)

But the bank is still stupid anyway.

When Life Is Calmer

When life is calmer, I have no doubt

No angry drama, a storm blows itself out

A storm blows itself out...

I'm sorry

Pet Shop Boys

Only the Wind

Eighties Revisited

Eighties, the decade of decadence. The decade of carefree joys. I was there, and I was young. And I revisited it these last few days. It all started with me being cooped up in the project room with two colleagues who are also good friends, one young and one not so young, and the need to release the tension in the air. And the thousand plus mp3 collection in my laptop, which is made up of a considerable number of songs from that era. From the famous ones (think Wham, Culture Club) to really obscure ones like Candy Flip (ever heard of that one? :) ). So I cranked up the volume and started playing the songs. My not-so-young colleague just flipped and started guffawing, I could almost see her in her younger days with leggings and pink plastic earrings oh-so-chic those days (metallic blue eye shadow too?). My young colleague was like 'huh? Who is that?'. And me the storyteller began to tell the stories of old. It didn't feel old. It felt so recent. And I felt young, for a minute. And tension dissipated from the air. For me at least. Especially when we (well, me and my not-so-young colleague at least) started to sing along to Samantha Fox's Touch Me, complete with the ah..ah..ah sound, you know what I mean. Much to the amusement of my young colleague. There goes my reputation as the team lead. Face it Nikki, I was young once. :)

...This is the night

This is the night

This is the time we’ve got to get it right(this is the night)

Touch me, touch me

I want to feel your body

Your heart beat next to mine(this is the night)

Touch me, touch me now...

Samantha Fox - Touch Me

(and I wonder whatever happened to her? And her big assets!)

Irritation Index: 10

The thing that irritates me most is waiting. Especially when I am forced to, without an escape hatch. So today when I called my hairdresser to have an appointment at 3pm for a haircut, I expected to be attended to at 3pm. And I am the type who will make sure that I walk in the door at 2.59pm at the very latest, othrewise I will not even make an appointment. I have always liked my hairdresser for his attention to detail, that is why I have been going to him for 12 years for my haircut, even after I have moved to a different area, and his saloon is in a god-forsaken traffic-choked area (the fact that he isn't bad-looking is a plus, although that is not the main factor..:) ). And I think today he paid too much attention to detail, because guess how long I had to wait for my haircut today? 3 hours! And he only had 2 other customers to attend to before me. And worst, I had made an appointment! Bloody hell, I almost walked out from the place with hair standing. See, the assistant washed my hair already so that forced me to sit in the chair huffing and puffing and reading 2 Cleo magazines (yes, it's Cleo...). Hated it, hated it, hated it! And after 12 years of knowing me, I think he knew that I almost blew my top, and apologised profusely, but that just irritated me further.

And guess what, he charged me 5 ringgits more than usual... Chinese New Year price maaa... haiyah!

Itchy Hand

I can feel my hands getting itchy to do up the apartment again, for the umpteenth time. Yeah, my neighbour downstairs can probably sleep through the sounds of furniture moving around in the middle of the night by now since I do it so often (err, once a week?), but now I have caught myself opening the Jotun colour catalogue a few times already this week. And waking up in the middle of the night thinking whether the Aspen Leaf AL23903 will be too bright for the wall behind the bed is a little disturbing. It does seem that I have repainting my living room once a year since I moved in 4 years ago. Do you think the size of my apartment will be reduced by a few square feet if I do that too often? Hmmm...

They say that red in the bedroom will increase your sexual prowess. Should I try? :P

The Night Before Eid

Tomorrow is Eid al-Adha. It's the day for the Muslims to think about those who are unfortunate, and to do something for them. A day of reckoning.

And I am here, alone, sitting in front of my pc, pondering. Feeling a little lump in my throat rising for no particular reason. Just a general feeling of sadness. For just being. For just existing. For the general lack of any other feelings. For the emptiness I feel.

I miss you. And you know who you are, and yes, there are many of you...

Nice Happy

I think I am getting somewhere this year. Which is a good start considering last year's track record, which was awful. What I want most, and I have not found for a while is the nice happy content feeling. And I seem to be getting it back again. Yesterday was nice. Had a banana leaf lunch with Hasx and Gip, and Chris. Good friends with no necessity of forced conversation, or signs of intelligence. No pretensions. These are the people whom I have known for more than 2/3rd of my life and they will accept me no matter what. And the familiar nice heaviness of the lunch too. Comforting. And then a road trip to Kuala Selangor, no plans. Nice too. Ended up at the Nature Park, and again with no plan, paid the two-ringgit fee and we just went in and walked up the meandering paths. Looked at birds and butterflies. Listened to the bird calls and the wind. Smelled the earth, and the rain, which came when we were halfway through the tracks. We ran like children, screaming and laughing. Nice. Happy. The night, of course, was a different story. For someone who has not been exercising enough (well, not exercising at all) I suffered as all my muscles screamed! Slept like a baby though. Today was nice too, not doing much, just enjoying not doing much, which is completely not me. And ended it with a nice dinner with Nikki. No dessert, just coffee *wink*. Thanks people, you made my weekend. Hope this continues forever and ever and ever. I can live with it.

Love Lost

It is the second relationship-gone-down-the-hill story I heard this week. Not that it is a new story (see this entry), it is just that when you hear it again, the pain that it causes you in the heart feels new. Things have not changed for the better, unlike the fairy tales you are fed with, but things have gotten worse. And love is supposed to make the world go round, people say, so when love is lost, what happens? The world stops going around, and falls off the axis?

Na, all I can do is pray for your happiness.